I feel like a fool being used as a tool and one minute I am here and another minute there from this gut renching heart of mine. I didnt mean to be this way. I do not want to feel this way and I do not want people to think I am this way because the truth is who I am. I want not to live anymore not because of who I am but because I fail myself and everybody. Every single time I dissapoint myself, it is on other people expense. Am I that worthless? Am I such a loser? I am sure hell are all of those things. I hated myself for being this lazy everyone claim me to be. Yes I am lazy and I'd rather walk on a plank to hell if that would sattisfy everyone. And I'd kill myself now if everyone don't seem to mind. Maybe when I am gone, only they will have nothing to say or fight about? Maybe God will take my life first and that will save everybody some trouble and that they can lead their happy and normal life. It is like as though having me around is makes the black plaque return and killing everybody as I speak. Why bother living when I feel this way every single day. I do not want to impress anyone. I just want them to talk to me. I just want them to come to me and talk! And not pass judgement thinking I would feel offended. I feel like all I am was this dark and tall wall that they could not reach. I have a door for you to come in and talk but no... They prefer to talk behind my back and they prefer to leave my heart broken by not telling me and I had to find out from someone else. I could do this for hours but I will not. It is not even worth typing these words if they are true. I just swallow them all and let them die with me.
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